You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
