Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
