just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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