so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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