Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
