i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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