my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
