eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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