I will die if light touches me.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
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My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
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Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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