I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
