Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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