i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
