I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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