I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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