Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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