yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
