I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
