why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
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