Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
