I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
