how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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