i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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