No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
