I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
