i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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