Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
