2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
two words: eviction party
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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