YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Mom said you looked used
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
