she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
