I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
