I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Randomize
