I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
