Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
