I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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