She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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