if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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