look no pants
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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