Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
