I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
