my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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