Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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