i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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