He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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