Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
