I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
