I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
only if we run a train.
done.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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