i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
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