I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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