there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
