Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
