I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
