Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
