I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
