You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
