Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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