Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
