Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
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