yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
